My Dear

Dated on September 2005.

It's a story, inspired by an Indonesian girl whom I never met. I got her letter, written in Bahasa (Indonesian language), from one non-direct Dutch Professor (he and fam knew this girl during vacation in Indonesia) in my university. I've read it couples of times, trying to follow her emotions, before I put her original letter into "My Dear". As I read it again today, I'm still wondering what has been really happening to this girl...

He was not and would never be here anymore. Never would he walk, as he used to, on this path covered with brick-color squared tiles and surrounded by city lights. I was watching some leaves falling down from the trees. It would have been a romantic background for a wedding picture. I wondered.

“Never dream of such a romantic life. It will hurt you. He is still the same guy, whom you are never able to change.” These words were striking me back to my real world.

I tied my coat, trying to stand firm. It was never be wrong for an even abnormal woman to dream about having a gentle touch from a guy. For a guy, whom I missed so much, I would never stop this from dreaming. “But never ask him if he feels the same way you do. Never seek a single answer.” I bowed my head, feeling sad. These words kept coming back in my head.

This was my choice. Just like a cat can find a way home or a crab ends up in its hole at the Cornulla beach. I would survive. I convinced myself. “It is never that easy unless you can accept that with smile in your lips while your heart is actually crying.” I was annoyed. I would never lose, I thought.

The blue sky and the warm sunshine made me feel a bit happy. At least I could feel summer in this cold winter. I missed home; I missed the traditional coffee of Toraja. “Great. This is the first other things that you can recall besides him.” His shadow suddenly clearly appeared again, in front of me and everywhere else my eyes catch. Nobody ever knew how hard it’d hurt me and how often this torture feeling had come to me again and again.

“You cannot run far. You are just about one second from him. What you can do now is to face the reality.” This sound was constantly whispered in my ears. But it was not my fault. Not at all. I felt weak and hopeless.

I saw a young girl with a colorful make-up. Her legs, wrapped tied with a black panty, were in a pair of khaki boots. A pink ballerina skirt fitted very well with her thin legs. I was smiling for a while. How I love this city!

“Really? Isn’t here just your hidden place? You walk to the city centre, trying to console yourself. Here is not your place.” It sounded more cynical. I stopped for a moment at the edge of a pedestrian way. I checked my backpack’s pocket to search for my Lipton Ice. Hmmm… its bitter taste relieved me. I came here indeed to cheer me up. Nothing was wrong with that!

Who couldn’t love Sydney, especially when you felt burdened? A sweet taste of the sea, a jazz concert in the middle of the Darling harbor, a view of small ships entering the harbor, a number of town girls with mini skirts walking in the windy day, warm fries and fish fingers, a caramel macchiato at café, unique shells at the Cornulla Beach, and clean public toilets with free tissues.

“Without your dear one?” Oh please, stop talking to me as if I was a weak child! I yelled back to it. I was just trying to feel okay. I tried not to cry.

He had indeed forgotten me. Just like an author killed the super hero in his own story. I was dumped, without destination and without hope. But I did believe that even an elephant could not lose its mind. I would help him try to remember me. I was yet, just as I had been before and I would always be his dear one. It was difficult for everybody to understand it. They kept cynically telling me that my relationship was weird. However, it always seemed right for me to desire him. I did not care what other people said. Especially he is a dear to me. Only that blue sky and I could understand it.

I’d ever asked why it had been so easy for him to forget me. Hadn’t you ever promised me your life? And never leave me? We would not talk about memories here. Not anymore. I just wanted to ask you one thing. Why had you left me? Was I not the only one who knew you very well? And nobody could ever touch your heart just the way I did?

“Keep talking. Nobody will be sorry for you. Stand firm on the ground. You did not fly towards here within a second. You accomplished a journey. You chose already and so did he. You both are no longer a couple. Face it. Don’t bother him anymore. Isn’t it you who made this happen? Isn’t it your wish?” These voices made me stand still in the crowd of the Paddy’s market. I suddenly remembered to buy me a violet soft scarf. I wanted to look pretty before him. I would survive and fight for this feeling.

A year ago he’d called me to say that he’d bought silver wind chimes with blue small dolphins at Legian, Bali. But on his way home, these chimes had turned into pieces. I’d been crying all day long for his stupidity. Though I’d searched through his pockets and his luggage’s, I’d found nothing. I’d even called the airline company he’d flown with, asking them for these chimes. With some regrets, they could not help me more. His body and his luggage were all that I’d got. I couldn’t accept this. Never. He’d even forgotten his last promises to me. I never stopped blaming him.

The Paddy’s market was cheerily crowded in this Sunday. There were sold bracelets and necklaces made by ethnic black bronze, possibly from India, fabric bags with Chinese ornaments, different colors of candles, fancy soaps, oil flavors, and also shell souvenirs. I’d been enjoying visiting each stall until a young girl waved her hands exactly before my eyes. Maybe she’d thought that I was having a day dreaming. “Mam, Maybe these blue dolphins will cheer you up. Only for 10 dollars, Mam.”

At glance there were a bunch of weird feelings coming. I reached my wallet and gave her 20 dollars. I took that wind chimes with blue dolphins myself and insisted the girl’s offer to wrap it in.

My dear… I held you tight here in my heart with my tears. Never would we separate again. You would always be there every time I opened my eyes and as long as my heart beats. Let us face this wonderful life together.

My dear… I knew that you wanted me to find you back in the city where we’d met the first time. I knew that you could not express your love with any words. But I believed that you really wanted to fulfill your last promises. My dear… thank you.